Today is Katy Perry's premire of her music video entitled "The one that got away" and also today is our 8th monthsary.
The title doesn't really define what i am about to type. actually, it doesn't have any relation to what im gonna spill.
The day went actually fine. it was a typical random saturday .. that's what i thought until the clock stroke at 4. at first it was fine, our english teacher was really attractive. we were asked to introduced our self .. again. and i've heard tons of grunts but we dont have choice but to do so
the uttering went on and on and on.. and when it was my turn, i stood up and there were like clapping and howling for obvious reason.
the reason behind that, yung prof namen sa english last sem they(classmates) told me na kumukha ko daw yun.. at the beginning, i thought it was nothing really. nakikisakay na nga lang rin ako eh.. saying, oo nga yung nanay ko ganyan gnyan.. pareho kasi kami ng skin tone ni maam tapos bisaya din kame and sometimes i utter words in tagalog with visayan accent. actually yung ibang words tlgang sinasadya ko tlga.. cuz i just want them to notice and finally laugh with me.. then they kept teasing na anak daw ako ng prof nmen sa english. kasi may anak daw siya babae eh. i even laughed with them and i actually at first find it funny.. and i thought today wont be different.. they'll make fun of it, then i'll laugh w/ them
but i was wrong, It was my turn now .. and when i was about to stand up..they were like clapping and howling. at first, i find it prang.. a priviledge kasi nga dba they're cheering for you.. that what i actually thought in mind pero, at the middle of it.. i had this feeling that its not actually funny.
iba pala yung feeling when you're uttering words about your self tapos nobody wanted to listen cuz they enjoyed making fun of you in front of your new prof. iba yung feeling eh.. there's a huge difference between "they're laughing with you".. and "they're laughing at you"..
i dont wanna make deal out of it cuz i thought it was childish to get mad at them. but i dont know how to react anymore. how am i suppose to face those people who make fun of you infront of the class while they're pointing their index fingers at you and then laugh hyterically.i know im not pretty. i dont actually find my self pretty at all. the whole time, or rather, in my entire life people would tell indirect message at me saying im ugly. they would tell
"uy! kamukha mo si ganto." but ganto is actually super fugly. nakakawala ng self confidence paminsan.. iisipin mo na lng, "ay wala yan.. joke lng yan nila" pero deep inside you know it stabs your ego and ruin your self esteem. i know its indirect but do you get the feeling when the indirect ones are the words that could stung and dug deep in your heart more?. the whole time, while i was uttering words in front of the class.. i felt like i was the laughing stock of the day.
then i just looked down after im done telling them about my ugly self. i actually thought "maybe i shouldn't have utter those.. maybe i should have just said HI IM WENDYL AND IM UGLY"
i know, people may find it mababaw. pero it roots back eons and eons ago and the reason why i feel the whole sadness is actually because it reminds me of those scenario w/ my ex bf who told right to my face that im ugly.. and it didn't happen once.. he always slap me through words when i passed by alone in the corridor as his friends were there with him. then sisiko yung isa sa kaniya signaling na padaan na ako.. then titingin sila lahat and they'll give me their disgust look then he'll say something about me tapos magtatawanan silang lahat.. tapos ako, yuyuko na lng kasi wala akong magawa.. it made me conclude na hindi niya tlga ako sineryoso from the very beginning. maybe.. sino ba naman ako para seryosohin nun? i feel sad.. it actually added to my already damage self esteem, to my already stain ego.
wala akong sinabihan about what i was experiencing back then.. walang wala. he even added na feeler daw ako.. pero one friend noticed that pero instead na she'll be on my side.. she even chuckled lightly.. but i brushed it off.. thinking it doesn't matter.. i dont matter.. my feelings dont.
the saddest thing was here.. i felt alone right after that. those people who laughed at me didn't even bother telling something to me.. like, hey joke lng yun huy! wag ka magalit
actually i was expecting something like that eh.. pero, wala..
so umalis na lng ako right after ng class, dumeretcho sa canteen.. nagiisip.. pero, Zads actually asked if okay lng ako.. mas lalo tuloy akong nalungkot. ang weird ko lng nuh? im sorry im weird. mas lalo kasi akong nalulungkot pag may nag ko-comfort sken.. ung feeling na.. ang lungkot lng tlga
but i didn't cry, muntik na.. pero i still tried my best not to cry. ayaw ko kasi yung nakikita akong umiiyak. pero sa jeep, on the way home.. i cried silently while im pretending to sleep.. nakasandal ulo ko tapos i covered my eyes with my hankie
im pathetic i know. in fact, while im typing this napaiyak din ako
tapos pagkababa ko ng jeep.. i've checked my phone.. then saw Christian's sms right in my inbox.. nagyayang lumabas kasi 8th monthsary namin yun pero, i dont know how to reply.. how am i suppose to tell him about this? hindi kasi ako mahilig mag share ng problem. i know, im selfish pero kasi pag shine-share ko.. mas lalo akong nalulungkot kaya i often blog about it, thinking wala naman masyadong interesadong magbasa sa blog na to
i hope lng na walang nagbabasa ng post na to.. cuz, im pathetic ... and ugly.. i even thought of deleting my photos on facebook thinking i might ruin the site.. lol im super pathetic and i feel so fucked up :(
Lol! my eyes.. while typing this post...
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