Mantra

I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.
I'll get better grade, Pass 4th year, Graduate on time and Make it to the board exam.

Repeat until convince

I've been asking and doubting a lot of things lately but I hope, no matter what people make me feel, I'll prove them otherwise.

I hate how I have to prove myself to anyone to gain respect. I hate how they take one look at you and in their mind, belittling your existence began long before they gave you chance to prove your worth.

You'll see. You'll see. Time will come

The journey I chose in Nursing was one can not simply put a name on it. Stressful might have been putting it on a light note because it was so much beyond that. The sacrifices and time you invest on this course is simply a no joke hence, I was so glad that two days ago, June 27, I finally had my first DR case and ICNB as well. It was definitely an experience I would bring with on my grave but It also scared the living daylights out of me.

I have witnessed countless delivery from my second year in Nursing. From a far, I could tell that it was like eating a cake ... Little did I know that said cake would have nails, thumbtacks and even a chainsaw in it.  When you're in the actual situation where you're supposed to be brave enough to look at the baby's head as he goes hi-hello to the world and out of his mother's hooha, it was bizarre!  Much to my delight, the placenta was also a different story. It was like holding on to a steak.. a very warm and living steak if I might add.

I couldn't simply forget how much pain the mother had delivering her child. Watching the mother, might have scared me for life. And it only added so much respect to all the mothers who go out their way for a normal spontaneous vaginal delivery. The pain is inevitable but when you see the mother embracing her child for the first time? It was priceless-- pure joy is one thing you can't simple overlook.

Nursing is definitely tough. It requires so much gut made out of brick wall with asbestos wrapped around it. But the privilege of being the first one to hold the baby for his first few seconds in the world? It was priceless and I would never trade it for anything else

When I was younger, Sixteen and a frosh, I thought going to college and growing up could be fun. Starting the ignition before hitting up the road, I thought about all those free time I could waste, the parties I could get into, the lighter load of my bag and the people I would meet. I always felt a rush of excitement like when the air crackled with expectation. I also thought it meant freedom. Freedom to me was like getting on board on ship sailing away to some place cold and exotic. To my younger self, what lies ahead were exciting things, gift-wrapped and full of possibilities, the sweet smell of somewhere else wafting like perfume but now here I am with sort of fear stirring within me.
I am now a senior in college and it didn't take me this long enough to figure out that free time was meant for reviewing your lessons, that the only parties you could get are those in the politics, that the lighter load of your bag meant a heavier one under your eyes and if you're lucky, it might be a Louis Vuitton. I'd be lying if I said and didn't look at the rear-view mirror, second-guess if its leading me to a definite destination and thought about going for a u-turn but here I am, went for a full-tank, pressed on the gas and carried on.

Now, almost twenty, It's about time I build my high-ways firmly to the path I wish I would venture to. There's no room for second thoughts anymore. There's no room for stop-over. It's either you give your all or nothing at all. The light at the end of the tunnel seems like a far-fetch dream to me back in freshman days. It still is, apparently, but now I'm in the middle of the darkness I wish to part. A darkness engulfing me at the same rate with fear. Fear that I might not succeed. Fear that I might flunk. And all sorts of fear I could not point my fingers to.

In an age between a child and an adult. An almost adult but not quite, the fear of the unknown is always inevitable. And the question hung in an open air that got my chest flaring out -- Where will these things take me to?

In the never-ending emotional roller coaster most likely popular to most as Nursing, I can't help but second-guess where my path will eventually lead me. Let's hit up a quick drive-thru to Realityville shall we? There are approximately 30 thousand Filipino taking up NLE each year and the number, minus the exaggeration, is continuously on the rise. Out of these 30 thousand Noypis all over the country, There are, unfortunately, 15 thousand (more or less) likely only to pass it. Out of those couple of thousand and throw timing into the mix, the chances of finding a decent job, to be honest, is slim and having a Diploma will not guarantee that you wont end up on a indefinite flat tire. As depressing as this realization may seem, This isn’t a fact to be feared. On the contrary, it’s a fact that should give one a peace of mind because the real questions are written on a neon-light and perhaps on a gigantic billboard you see over EDSA--- Is this blasphemy or is this a life you really want? A life of being peed on, puked on, pooped on, bled on, bitten, hit, yelled at seem like inviting enough don't you think? And to top that, A life where you'll mostly be away from your family to take care of someone else.

With all the variables at play, the equation for finding happiness among those seems out of your reach. Life used to be lived. Nowadays, life is controlled. Or rather, one does the best he can to control as many facets of his lives as he possibly can. One can fail, but it wont hurt to try again anyway. Admit it, you don’t like things to be outside of your control because it leaves things to chance. For those of us who aren’t especially lucky – namely me – simply allowing things to play out on their own accord seems suicidal. Some people, maybe even at this moment, might be spending much of their time, energy, and thoughts figuring out ways to survive Nursing. A person may, with all his sweat and gore, try to part the sea Moses-style and move mountain, but mountains cannot be moved and you should stop hitting weeds. The only way you could reach the top is to climb it up with all your might. Just like Nursing.

Once you reach a point when you are entirely self-sufficient and independent enough, you’ll find that all the things that we do and think affect the way that we live our lives, the way that we see the world and the experiences we have. Why bother spending any thoughts on something you have absolutely no control over? I’m not one to put much faith in things outside myself, but in this case, faith is the only true option. One has to believe that he will, sooner or later, trust himself that he can and that he will.

It's hard to keep up with the Kardashian, they said. It takes guts to be a Guiterrez, they said.  But I'd say, it takes more than guts and tough bravado combined to be a Nurse.

Merry[?] Christmas

I'm sad. I keep comparing my life to others and every time I do, I get lonelier than ever. They said Christmas is supposed to be the happiest day. It's supposed to make you feel loved because you've got family with you

But it has been awfully ... dry especially this year. I dont know where I'm coming from anymore. All I know is it's sad.

I wanted to escape but I got nowhere to run. It's like I'm trap and the only possible thing I could do is to sleep and wake up whilst hoping it'll be better the next day.

Alone in my dark room. Listening to Rihanna's "What now". With a drunk father in the balcony. My mum and my sib away. Tryna shut off everyone else. Merry Christmas indeed.

Patch Adams : Reflection Paper

Patch Adams is a 1998 true-to-life movie of a Doctor who attempted to cure patients with laughter, based on his natural persona, wit and mixing equal doses of scatological humor and pathos. Hunter “Patch” Adams , played by Robin Williams, discovers the hope of his calling “to help people” after rising from the darkest point of his life. He discovers the best way to heal and help a person who is sick is to first treat the patient as a human being prior to addressing the illness. Determined to provide emotional and spiritual relief as well as medicine, Patch defy the norm of medicine and clowns around for his patients, getting to know them personally.

After watching a movie, things, which was never been brought up to my mind before, came etching, bothering and even pestering me during the next few days, between breaks or even when I idle myself in the corner. And there I thought, If we live in fear will that make us a less of a person? Will that make us inhuman? They say fear makes you less of the person you really want to be. If Fear will be erased in this world, what kind of person you think you'll be? What are the things you'll probably do without fear?‎ I think it’s not life alone that people are afraid of, it’s the consequences on every action they do. It’s what they are terrified about.

A lot of people may think that being tough and surpassing the many hurdles of trials is what life is all about. It’s all about facing your fears. It’s all about who’s the fittest that’ll prevail the strongest. I think that is where everyone is having the wrong perception about. It’s not the person with guns and weapons in life that are the toughest, it’s the people who manage to live and move on with a smile creeping up on their face after a long hardship of battle.  Those people deserve a round of applause more than anyone out there.

People who are genuinely and effortlessly funny have bigger and heavier problems at hand but I admire them because, despite having the many reasons to give up in life, they chose to face the world with a mask whose smile and channel it into something positive and beautiful.

To them, there’s no assurance that the "battles" you face in life won't change you. They will leave scars, but you will grow so much as a person because of them. Whatever life hands you, it's either a blessing or a lesson and that it’s up to us on how we see it in a different light and transcend it into something positive and beautiful. So to the people out there who always complain about life, you do that not because Life sucks as a whole;  you do such thing because it’s exactly the way you make it seem and perceive them to be—horrible and miserable.

No matter how much you try to convince yourself, at the end of the night, when you face your bed that is empty, you may find it hard to believe or even question it’s morality but until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You must find the strength to open the wounds and etched it, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them. Don’t deny the pain, accept it and own up to it. Let yourself, drown in your tears. Embrace it. Soon enough, You will wake up and smile and that is what the movie taught me through because it might hurt now but it will not always hurt forever unless you give them the power to do so.



This is my reflection paper for NCM 105. I thought I should share it here.